Tuesday, March 3, 2026 by SimoneSays

Spanish Mothers' Eyes Bleary for Richter Scaling Party Ranks on Own Two Foots (Average Dissident Range)

"One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
She left it dead, and with its head
She went galumphing back.

'And hast thou slain the JabberLot?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

'And not just that' the frish pareen'd,
'Now woist shall I the beastie's frock!
Your boy no more; instead, adore
The Jibber-Jabberwock."

Name changed. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Quote of the Run: "Hurry your ass's up!"

(That's directly from the game. It belonged in the update.)

Riddle me this, riddle me that! Who invented that vaseline camera trick, and while this reeks concerningly of one of those "Don't eat from that tree, man! Baaad tree!" moments, what the Friar Tuck WERE they doing at the time? I just wanted to do a little comparative study here between Doom 3 – ahead, taking the lead graphically – and Sniper: Ghost Warrior – a head taking the lead, graphically. The former first saw itself in the mirror and thought: "I am beautiful, but the world is not deserving. I must become one... with the night", and made its own brightness like a smartphone auto-adjusts in a 1) tar pit in a 2) coal mine in the 3) Mariana Trench, during a 4) solar eclipse, after all the 5) anglerfish die out. The latter of the games, by contrast, first saw itself in the mirror and thought, along parallel lines: "I am beautiful, but the world is not deserving. I must become one... with the mud puddle", faceplanting in a haze of glory. The rainy missions are one of the pretexts under which Sniper will indulge itself in EVEN MORE BLUR ("Song 3"? "Girls & Boys & Enbies Too"?), in a sly attempt to recalibrate the ophthalmological Overton window. This is like a restaurant hiring Mr. Creosote, the human biowaste bin from Life of Brian, to "Evac! Evac!" into the nearest bucket (or next to the nearest bucket, or the caked apron of the inured cleaning lady) at opportune moments to make you secure in how your dining experience must have been satisfactory minimum when the only adverse outcome was mild to moderate emetophobia.

Oh doggy bags, I just went back to blow attention oxygen into the simmering hot takes from the game's previous featuring and... I doubt I can crest that hill, folks! It's a little too enfiladey for me, I hate to say. What if they happen to be shooting actually lead instead of the peas, sugar crystals, sterile neutrinos (which may or may not exist) or whatever's tickling the runner's delicate hide on the "airsoft" setting here. This does still make me feel like Dastard McBastard in the light of 'elite1608' streaking as if raised in a Finnish nudist colony (Read: certain public saunas. Yeah, again with the snipers and Finns, you know). With exposure this matter-of-course, was there a secondary vanity goal of "make People magazine twice" where only pure efficiency may hold sway??! He's even enfilading to the croco-loco again, and I think they're somehow in cahoots.

It often feels like the NPC voice-overs are sort of oblivious to the actual state of [celeb] affairs. While opportunities for smalltalk are rife, codename "Mother's" words of rizzdom, "do not engage hostiles unless necessary" are taken to heart here. Eye contact like Judas Iscariot. Hey, hold the phone, there's a "Mother Two" as well, eh? Are they talking Earthbound, or are they just, like, a rainbow family? 🌈 The oft-disparaged "bringing a knife to a gun fight" seems to be going alright this time, with tons of haters-gonna-hate being engaged at a satchel's throw away at furthest in the Easy difficulty SS 0:33:58 (down 2:45 from previous and like me, Mother One: worth another watch). There IS, nevertheless, something nagging at me... and that is whether an end-level-stats-screen "accuracy" of 66.66% is not a case of truncation where rounding was due. I wouldn't be this detail-oriented normally (she said, making Pinocchio blush)... but isn't sawing things off kind of... antithetical, antipodal even, to the Way of the Sharpshooter? To "Pewdo", if you'll allow.

Quote of the Run: "Bzzzooeeehh!"

(Also from the game, but it'd be funny if it was from the runner.)

I should have realized the catchphrase can't possibly originate from [the] Japanese: they don't have "cowabunga", they have "kawaii bunka". There's certainly some 'cute culture' in little drippy droplets in the later cartoon versions of the Turbo Turts, keeping a Foot in the door into Asian markets, but... apparently they have little traction, or indeed Foothold, nowadays, buried in a tsunami of... well, you've seen it! Don't hesitate to go admire the effort to mega-Japanify them for laughs here though. And oh-how-autism-never-runs-out, I did geek out on a little further JP turtle trivia here, and you don't HAVE to click it. But you will. And on this. And this. Take this! One of those, won't tell you which, is about where I'm personally headed with no regrets, and inside which household item, but with some concern over the suitability of my old travel wardrobe from that England sojourn earlier. Suit yourselves over which dubs were the flubs.

A gyroscopic emergency ward of spin doctors could not pass it off any other way: our one prior fielding of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder's Revenge was, and will remain until further notice, FAKE NEWS. Far from "this must be it", the hustle and bustle at the '4n6' Surgical Hospital has never abated, with more societally harmonious edits and maniacal manipulations of the patient's anatomy and public discourse, some 4 mins, 40 secs of appendages, hair, bottom ribs, coccyges and one of the excess livers are excitably excised from the Arcade Mode SS run on Gnarly difficulty as Raphael. "0:53:35 and a resounding success to the happiest nation on Earth" is the official party line, subject to change. Hmm... More things are missing here: this is a game that was lavished TLC instead of DLC, unfurling out of the main stages into an overworld romping grounds, here made waste by the made haste. Also lacking in apparency in these two speedruns alone is the expanded cast of playable characters that now sports the reports of April O'Neil, whom some continuums have already been splintering (!) into an adept martial artist of her own right.

I've fact-checked this not, but the game does exude that certain "existing engine energy" where they've been milking it for three games already, everything is slick under the hood, everyone knows the ins and outs of scripting it, and gets to focus on merrily melting ingots of imagination like Walt Disney hirees, with the tech team free to implement any crazy curve ball ideas chucked in their general area code. That would be one very big plus of working within retro 2D "lo-rezthetics" as well – the detail that counts is signing in dutifully, as with the level titles being read out by the character roster in turn; the separation of power moves for a dedicated roll bind; or the strange ï in "Strangeoïds", literally only mentioning it so I get to type it in, this quixotic mitotically duplicating markclamation ex (ʞɹɐɯ uoᴉʇɐɯɐʅɔxǝ).

Call to Trivial Action: Does anyone have some semi-definitive name for what the technique is called when you keep dashing between sides so you're always behind the boss' back in brawlers? Line-segment-strafing? Bait 'n' switch? I think I'll just call it the "Bitcharoo", no offence, if only because it's a defensive move. And in my corner of the Spideywebs, a move that is defensive... is a move that is a bitch move. This is largely how my egg cracked.

Quote of the Run: "They may as well call me Legolas, because I fire an arrow at my target. More specifically, an Arrow IV"

(In the runner's notes, not in canon.)

The "Arrow IV" there forces my itinerant mind to invent a gizmo that deploys an emergency drip at a distance. Like say you're one-quarter Spanish and you got Nana Mañana trapped inside the rubble after some tofu dregs came down like a synthetic virus upon humanity. So what if the impact causes a gushing gash that ups blood loss by an order of magnitude... if the blood was malnourished to begin with! (DramaticLookHamster.gif) I think I'm off to the patent office now, but okay, with the application form clamped in my teeth, I could spare the hands to finish the update for you.

Okay, the hands here! Now that that pesky thinking part is gone, let's type this out tappity-tap! No more overthinking it. No more perfection getting the way of greatness. No more... umm... ideas... anyone? Uhhhhhh weeee goooot two runs coming in next. The first one is an IL entry in MechWarrior 2: 31st Century Combat in 0:00:29. The other one is a full-game run of MechWarrior 2: Ghost Bear's Legacy in 0:26:23. The first one is in a table that now has a table time of 0:29:48. The other is not in a table, or even a chair haha! The first one is by 'PROX'. The other is by... 'PROX' BRAAIIINNNN

I'm pleased to report I didn't even need the patent office, this Holmes lady's cutting me a 10% share when she gets production up and running. Says she's "on the inside", which is exactly where I wanna be in this budding telemedical industry. Ah, the update, tho. Hands? Oh perfect, they got like nothing done! I see they went for the quintessential "passing grade" technique for those soul-sucking assignments in school where you had to compare Thing A (a thing) and Thing B (another thing), while continuing to elucidate all the merry way why you think they aren't, in fact, the same exact thing. I, Baroness Simonéy de Rarefinesse, am most certainly... far, far removed from... oh I see I already did that once in this very update. Okay. So.

In a couch potato's double whammy to excess motion, these are more earth- and record-shattering runs stepping up to the tectonic plate of MechWarrior 2: Ghost Bear's Legacy, alongside a Tori Amos -brand little earthquake in MechWarrior 2: 31st Century Combat. The full-game run is in 0:26:23 and 2 mins 56 seconds to the good, working smarter not harder with strategies. The IL entry is for the Wolf campaign, Mission 3, "Blade Splint" in 0:00:29, and it makes a lotta use of a haphazard physics exploit to shuck 44 seconds of chips down the gullet, collapsing the table to 0:29:48. The one is by 'PROX', and the other... by none other! And that's how you pass that grade, the whole dang grade. 😜

Sorry about the delay again, mainly on me! There's no single force majeure, just my life has been enriched like Uranium in recent times, with not enough ballast to Anchor it, if you see what etc. etc. I'M SAYING I HAVE A LIVELY SOCIAL LIFE AND I'M GLOWING A PRETTY AZURE SKY COLOR and I want to know how to turn that into pink, minimum. So anyone wanna do writing? Or take the helm in verifications if you've been around a while? Both are fairly simple and lowly volumetric jobs, but ktwo has grown uninterested (after quite a while) in being the Ultimate Judge of Town. I wish him the best of luck whatever he'll be doing with the 5000 man hours he's not placing in speedrunning going forward. For now. We'll see!

Oh, I thought I might as well shout out the Quake side of things on this side of things for a bit of change -- around $6.41 as it seems, for there is no less than 6 mins 41 seconds off a full-game official original old-school run visible here! These updates normally tend to amount to a single second per level as a starting point. I think someone else is also working smarter not harder here to shake up these tremulations.

AND someone just made the front page by posting this ad for a fun-sounding event coming in June where runners get just 90 days to learn the game they're running. Now that's hard work, no bitcharoos.